Heaven Forbid
by GabzillaSnuffles
Summary: It's been 20 years since his death and Shepard still can't come to terms with it.


A/N - The title comes from the song Heaven Forbid by The Fray. I recommend you listen to the song as you read this oneshot. Oh. And tissues.

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Heaven Forbid

Shepard threw her apartment keys on the counter after slamming the door shut. Sighing, she walked into the kitchen, cracked open the fridge and pulled out yet another bottle of wine. She debated on grabbing a wine glass from the cabinet, but brushed the idea aside, popped open the bottle and started drinking as she walked over to the floor to ceiling glass windows overlooking the Presidium of the Citadel that was STILL being rebuilt. The Huerta Memorial Hospital was the only thing finished its glass and metal rooftop reflecting the ever present sun of the Citadel in Shepard's eyes. Her mind rushed back to her time there, reuniting with Thane and watching him quickly deteriorate after their encounter with Kai-Leng. _Forgive me, breathing is difficult. _Shepard took another long swig from the bottle.

There was a gentle knock at the front door. With another sigh, Shepard walked over and hovered for a moment.

"Who is it?" Her voice wavered. Dammit.

It was a moment before the voice on the other side responded, "It's us."

Shepard swallowed. It was Garrus. She knew he was only concerned about her well-being, but she just didn't have anything to say. After several seconds of silence there was another knock, a little more urgent this time.

"Shepard, let us in," It was Tali this time, "You were there for me when I needed you. Now let us be there for you."

Well, she couldn't argue with that. Reluctantly, Shepard opened the door. She kept her head down, left them at the door and sat down on the couch in the living room wine bottle in hand. Garrus and Tali both looked at each other and followed her to the couch sitting on either side of her.

"Shepard …" Garrus was picking his words carefully. Shepard continued to stare out the window so he continued, "We've been… worried about you."

"I'm fine…"

"You didn't seem fine at dinner tonight," Tali responded, "You hardly ate anything and I think you may have made Dean a little uncomfortable."

Shepard lifted the bottle to her lips again and downed a couple of gulps of wine, "Look Tali. Garrus. I told you guys I didn't want to go on this double date. I'm just… not ready."

Garrus grabbed the bottle from her and set it on the coffee table in front of them, "Bullshit Shepard. It's been 20 years!"

"I know EXACTLY how long it's been Garrus!" Shepard stood up shouting, "It's been 20 years TODAY." Her cheeks were turning a faint red, whether it was the anger or the alcohol, Garrus couldn't tell. He speculated a combination of both.

Garrus stood as well, getting in her face, "We've all lost someone, Shepard! We've all moved on!"

"Garrus…" Tali started.

"No Tali. We've babied her too long! She won't get it. She only ever responds to force."

Shepard snorted. She grabbed the bottle from the table and started to walk away. Tali grabbed her arm gently, "Stay. Please. We just want to help."

Shepard stared Garrus down. He stared back. Why were they here? Why couldn't they just leave her alone? Nothing she said could convince them that she didn't want to find love. Nothing could compare. No one could compare. The tension simmered and her eyes began to water slightly. The sight of it softened Garrus's glare. He sighed, carefully lifted the bottle out of Shepard's hand and wrapped an arm around her shoulders. He couldn't bear to see her so torn up after all this time. She was his little sister in a way. Always there making sure to pull her ass out of trouble every time she found her way into it, and she always did.

She couldn't do it anymore. She was having a terribly unstable moment. Her knees felt weak and she leaned on Garrus for support. She let out a gasping sob as he set the bottle back onto the table.

"Shhhhh… Wait for tomorrow. You'll be all right." Garrus rubbed her back and set her back down onto the couch where Tali took the opportunity to comfort her while he disappeared into the kitchen, "Just take a seat. You're falling apart at the seams, Shepard."

"Come here," Tali said as she held onto Shepard's quaking body. It was the same words Shepard had comforted Tali with when she found her father's dead body on the Alarei.

"How'd you guys even figure out that this is what tonight was all about?" Shepard managed to say between gasps for air.

"It was on your face all night, Shepard," Garrus returned from the kitchen with a glass, poured some wine in it and handed it to her, "We've known you for years. You can't expect to hide anything from us, especially something this big."

Shepard took the glass gratefully, "Yeah, I guess not." She shook her head and took a small sip.

"That's more like it," Tali chimed. Shepard couldn't help but smile at them. She knew she was being silly with the crying and the angst, but after all these years, Thane's death was still too difficult to cope with at times. She shared so much with him in the short time they had. Even her love for Kaidan could never compete. After her incarceration, it was always Thane. It always would be. The thought of him continued to bring tears to her eyes. She brought her free hand up trying to stem the flow of them.

"Let it out, Shepard," Garrus encouraged, "I'm not saying you'll ever get over it, but you'll have to deal with it. Do you remember when I drove you up to the top of Presidium? We talked for hours, shooting at empty bottles with practice slugs. Do you remember what we talked about?"

Shepard nodded her head and took another sip.

"We talked about not taking these moments for granted, making sure we squeezed every last drop out of them."

More tears were flowing from her eyes now as she reminisced in the memory. They were days away from the final battle with the Reapers. Everything hung so heavily in the air and she and her crew took advantage of every spare second they hand to spend quality time with each other.

"You and Thane had something special. Something rare. Something that the rest of us will never be able to experience. You two were the truest of soul mates. We all witnessed that."

Shepard's brow wrinkled as she began to cry again. The memories she had with Thane were so vivid in her mind. They were so full of solemn joy that they were too painful to relive in her mind. She wanted to forget, but she couldn't bring herself to do so. Hurting this bad was better than not remembering. She had to remember.

"As terrible as it is to remember," It was Tali's voice that she heard now, "you must."

Suddenly, Shepard remembered Kasumi and Keiji. She let Kasumi keep the memories. It had helped her to keep the memories. Shepard felt better about that. It wasn't until just now that she better understood Kasumi. She finished her glass and wiped her tears, "I should probably get some rest."

She set the glass on the table and stood. Garrus and Tali followed suit.

"Thank you, both. I can't do this without you guys."

Tali smiled behind her mask and hugged Shepard tightly, "We'll always be here for you. You know that."

Garrus patted her back, "We've always got your back Shepard. Just don't hesitate to call on us."

Shepard forced a smile and nodded back. She wasn't 100% okay yet. She wouldn't be for maybe another 20 years, but at least, for the time-being, she was better than she had been.

After saying their goodbyes, Garrus and Tali had gone home. Shepard forced the cork back into the bottle, placed it back in the fridge and rinsed her glass out in the sink. In the corner of her eye, the terminal at her desk was blinking. She had a message. She wiped her hands dry on a cloth, walked over and pressed play.

"Shepard," The voice was almost identical to Thane's. A wave of despair crashed into Shepard and forced her into the seat at the terminal. It was Kolyat, "I'm not entirely too sure what to say. I guess… I don't know. I just wanted to see how you were doing. I was thinking we could meet up one of these days and catch up. I'll be back on the Citadel in the near future. I think my father would like that. I hope you're doing well and I do hope to see you soon."

Shepard let out another sob. She was about to close the terminal but Kolyat continued, "He loved you Shepard. Very much."

The terminal shut itself off. She lingered there for a moment trying to compose herself. After what felt like eternity, she clicked the terminal back on and typed a quick response. Finally, she shut off the terminal and walked stiffly to her bedroom. In the dark, she undressed and crawled into bed. Automatically, her wall dimmed into a looping video of the moon and the tide. Slowly, as she stared at the waves crashing over themselves, she pictured Thane waiting for her silently on the shore. She let the sound of the water consume her and after a few more sobs, she drifted off.


End file.
